"bad" words and acceptance

I've been having mixed feelings about telling j that some words are "bad." I told him "stupid" and "I don't care" were "bad words," which was very effective in getting him to stop saying them. However, he now enjoys telling other people when they have said a "bad word," and will doggedly pursue an apology for the offense.

The "bad word" policy was in response to my not wanting him to say certain things at school, such as "I'm gonna get your booty," or--as he did when looking at his princess-themed toothpaste (his choice) with especially busty princesses--"Mama, she has big bit-uhs" (bitte, his word for breast). I know these concerns about words are more about me than they are about j. When he says something indelicate, I imagine it taking place at school, where his teachers will wonder where he learned the expression. So P and I have emphasized the "bad words," rather than explain a whole lot about them. I certainly don't want to forbid him from saying "breasts," and sometimes one needs the word "stupid." He's just not ready yet to understand that some words that are ok in certain contexts. But I'll keep working on it.

Today we went to the playground where j played with a boy a little bit younger (d); we hadn't met before. they were playing with little sticks on a patch of ice, when "stupid" came out of d's mouth. j just looked up at me and P in shock, his mouth a narrow O. But he didn't react at all when d, in response to his mother taking away the stick and accidentally breaking it in the process, said "Mommy, you just broke my f*ckin' stick." The f-word doesn't mean anything to j yet. (I consider this something of a miracle, since the word has been, ahem, occasionally known to come out of my mouth.)

The mother was obviously embarrassed and immediately took d home. This put P and I in some unfamiliar territory. We are accustomed to being the ones worried about j's behavior around strangers, not the other way around. We could tell that the mom was concerned about how her son was perceived the entire time we were there: he kept using the stick as a gun and saying he was going to set things on fire and blow things up, while she kept requesting that he not showcase all of the things he's "not supposed to do." I wanted to comfort her, to say Believe me, really, I've been there; my kid is also a funny and creative guy who behaves in undesirable ways sometimes. I am not judging him, or you. But I didn't know how to do that with just a few words, and saying it would presume I knew how she was feeling. I don't know how to offer that kind of comfort effectively with a stranger.

This got me thinking a bit more. Is it too much to hope that maybe some other moms wanted to comfort me when j was difficult to deal with on the playground? I can't think of any strangers who have done this, but then, how would they have done it in a way that I would have accepted it? I couldn't do it for this mom today. It's much easier for our families, who know and love us, to forgive and to sympathize and not think the worst of us, which in our case, they do. And I am so thankful for this and for them.

I'm working on developing community here and just accepting... well, everything. :)